(no subject)
hello L.J

im about to leave for a long, long time...again...
im trying to think of something interesting to write but all i can think of is Twilight (lame - i know)
but im going through so much right now... new friends, re-connected with old friends, boy frends and girl friends...

FUCK! 3 hours to pack everything i need for 3 fucking months! im scared as hell right now!
i wont be posting on this for a long time
ahh wont be doing anything for along time
anyways im off to give myself lung cancer <3


I fucking hate pretty much everyone right now. Infact 99% of the world can go and get fucked.
Here's the number one lesson i learnt over the past week.
Trust No One.
Coz they will only judge you or fuck you over and betray you. So fuck the world :) 

17 days til New Moon comes out! im already starting to feel the biggest orgasm EVER building up!!!
mmmm taylor lautner - jacob, jackson rathbone - jasper, and ofcourse rob patz - edward ;D mmmmm cant wait!
every guy in that movie is fucking hot! Even the girls hmmm Alice Cullen = cute/sexy/pretty!  hello girl crush xP
HAHA yeah im lame. But i lovez it :)

new poem.
if you're reading this you probably know its kinda inspired about you. & inspired by own feelings too.


Wipe your tears and please don’t cry

I know it’s hard to say goodbye

But I’m here too right by your side

Feeling each hurt you feel inside.

I know you’re hurting, tired and sad

But refuse to give up on all you had.

Don’t bow your head, just let me see

All the things you’ve come to be.

Show me the truth inside your heart

Reveal the story from the start.

Through your eyes I feel each pain

And it gets harder to refrain

From remembering, just like you too

All the things they promised you.

Every word they spoke and said,

Still imprinted in your head.

Just gathering hope is proving tough

When in your mind you’ve had enough.

A million words still locked inside

One for every tear you’ve cried.

It’s getting harder each single day

Suppressing the words you need to say

All these smiles you’re forced to fake

Manufacture tears within their wake.

All of this effort, all of this trying

Only enhances compulsory lying.

But still you will try and try again

Even though its all in vain

Your empty eyes will seal your mask

Provoking lies when people ask

But in your words that fake whats real

I know exactly how you feel

I’ll read the words between each line

See the truth in heart and mind

Because all this hurt, I’m feeling it too

As I think of me, but stare at you.


All That I Should Be

Intoxicated with broken dreams
Of what I know I should be,
But disappointment and mistakes
Are all people make of me.
Chained inside this masquerade,
Self inflictions on my skin,
Defective attempts to please the rest
Decorate my porcelian.
Feeble, but greatest efforts in vain,
My will to try has faded
Come so far, with so little to show
And the road has left me jaded.
Allured by my false impression,
Shocked by what's not shown,
Guilty to being oblivious
To what you wish you'd known.
Suppressed by childhood fears,
Forget this lonely soul.
The fate of this unworthy girl
Is out of my control.
I'm sorry you witnessed my weakness
My mistakes are what make me,
Undying failure is all that is left
And futile dreams of what I should be.

Broken Angel

She tries to fly but it’s impossible,
Shadows control her puppet strings,
Broken promises, burdened with lies
Weigh down her blackened wings.
Familiar figures pale time away,
Left broken, marooned in despair,
Breathing in each curse and lie
Intoxicated with purest air.
Serene is the world standing still,
Witnessing and accepting each pain.
The wind has ceased to blow away
Shadows that taunt her over again.
She’s searching for a recognized face
They come and go as they please,
Reaching their hand just out of touch
Smirking and retracting as a tease.
Crystal formations tarnish her face
No longer confined in her heart
Needing help to find the strength
That’s long been torn apart.
Pretentious words or relative comfort
Don’t suppress her inevitable end,
Coincidentally salvation is lost
As she ceases to lie and pretend.
Lost and found within her own head
She’ll predict the end all alone,
But each word and thought constrict her
And her wings can’t take her home.

The Truth Is...

I’m broken but i can’t be fixed
And i refuse to let you try
You’ll only sew up hopeless dreams
With threads from every lie.
I’m shattered but you cannot see
And I’m sorry to say its true
I have to find the strength myself
There’s nothing you can do.
I’m tired but i raise a smile
To keep you from despair
From ever knowing my inner depths
And flinching at what’s really there.
I’m hurting but no one can tell
You only take the time to see
You take the time to find the wall
But not break it and find me.
I’m crying but my tears are dry
Empty, hollow and alone
I know that I must help myself
But I cant make it on my own.
I’m falling but I’m on the edge,
Concreted in this place
Bound with tears from lonely eyes
That scar this shadowed face.
And I’m sorry but what should I do
When I look in the mirror each day,
And staring back confirms the truth,
It’s MY fault I’m this way.


Dani...i blame you xP

well. first livejournal entry, Dani i blame you for this. xP
Today was ok. I finally got some sleep. had only slept 5 hours since last sunday so it was good to finally rest.
Went to a meeting tonight. It was actually a really good meeting. I was unsure about going but im glad i did.
I could relate to everyone who shared and they were all really good shares. Some of the people in the rooms are amazing :)
I got to see Lisa which was awesome, she graduates to halfway on the 17thNov. Im so proud of her. I know she will succeed. 
Maggie & Melody both left but im not allowed to ask when, why or how. I think Jase is gone too coz he wasnt at the meeting. I hope they're all ok. I really care about those guys.
And i got to see Antoin again =) He's such a sweetie. I really miss him sometimes. Anyways, it was a good meeting.

Well, Im fucking nervous... i think im going to the Ataris & Stealing O'Neal tomorrow with Kyle. Should be interesting although, as i previously mentioned, im extremely fucking nervous.
But Stealing ONeal are playing YAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i dont care! i havnt seen a live band in like 4 months, and well, its Stealing O'Neal! its gonna be fucking awesome anyways! Ive missed those boys.

Uhm....10 days clean & sober. Doesnt sound like long, but as they say 'one day at a time' and 10 days is a big deal for me. Especially since im doing this all on my own. This is the longest I've been sober in like 4 years (not including detox's or rehabs). So smile =)



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